I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You're like the curious george of whores
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Randomize
