I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
