My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
