Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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