I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
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I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
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you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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