He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
