someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
