Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We're too hungover to prance.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
