I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
