You're my little dorito
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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