I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
