I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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