thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
