$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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