No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's blow job season.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
