I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
