I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
