I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
