I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
