OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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