forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
