At least make sure they are 18
Why
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
