I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
