What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
