Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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