Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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