You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
