Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
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I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
being pregnant is like rehab
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
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People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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