I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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