omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
