i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
