Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
