I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
A bitchslap is in order.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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