Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
