final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
