i don't plan on having that self control this summer
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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