I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
