you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
