Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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