walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
