i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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