Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
