He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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