shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
