Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
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That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
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The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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