today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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