girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
