my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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