the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
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I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
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just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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