She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
