Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
