After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
