im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
