Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
People in love make me want to vomit
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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