I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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