I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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